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Ely Independent Effort for Industrial Expansion Organization
2025 Industrial Drive
Ely, MN 55731
Mr. Santa Claus
123 Elf North Pole Road
Arctic Circle
Dear Santa:
First, thank you for the splendid toy distribution work you and your team accomplished again last week. It’s an impressive feat to answer the requests in the nearly one million letters you get each December.
The Ely Independent Effort for Industrial Expansion Organization (E.I.E.I.O) is a small, recently organized group of Elyites eager to return our beloved community to the glory days prior to the 70s, You’ve seen the decline in the preschool population since then and I’m sure you join us in wishing for a correction.
Here’s what we’re thinking. If you would relocate your operation to Ely, we’d all benefit. 1. Given Ely’s location, 3,484 miles south of the North Pole, you’d save twice that in each round trip you make each Christmas Eve. This would allow for more efficient routing, fewer miles per reindeer, and better aviation weather at origin and destination. With the rising cost of hay, reindeer fuel consumption would drop even if the miles per bale remained the same.
2. Speaking of flying, Shagawa Lake on the north end of Ely, would provide an ideal departure and arrival runway for your team. Shagawa was once known as “Long Lake” and provides an unobstructed three-mile east-west runway across secure winter ice.
3. A unique asset in our area is helium. A rich deposit of helium is under development near our town. With the reindeer outfitted with inflatable vests, much cervine energy could be saved if your team flew with previously unavailable lift. This lift would allow for higher speeds thus shorter or more delivery runs per season.
4. Toy manufacturing could be done in specialty buildings in town. There are a number of suitable buildings available in our business and residential areas. Many of the downtown buildings have lodging space upstairs which could conveniently accommodate your staff.
5. Ely residents are known for their innovation and craftsmanship. Should you choose to outsource some of the manufacturing, we have the skilled workers to provide to your specifications.
6. Ely is located near millions of acres of forest providing recreational and training space for your deer, 7. Infrastructure in town includes a post office, public schools, medical facilities, and hospitality spots. You wouldn’t need to maintain your own at the North Pole.
8. Speaking of hospitality spots, you and Mrs. Claus would have many good choices for dinners and refreshments throughout the year. While your celebrity would certainly be recognized and admired, you’ll find Ely people are not star-crazed and would respect your privacy. There are several civic organizations that would welcome you as a guest or member.
9. You could build or buy a home on one of the many scenic lakes of the area and enjoy warm springs, pleasant summers, and festive falls before your duties call in December.
10. One more thing to ease your mind about relocating to Ely. Minnesota has a bit of a reputation for being difficult for business. Taxes would be no problem for your business and it would certainly qualify as a 501(c)(3) organization and would thus be tax-exempt. As to bureaucratic red tape, our State Representative is not only familiar with life in the woods, but also life in Saint Paul so I’m sure we can navigate the bureaucratic obstacles.
Thank you for considering Ely, Minnesota for the future operations and administrative location of your crucial business. We at E.I.E.I.O are eager to discuss details of this proposal with you in person.
Come visit us soon. See what we offer. Meanwhile, thanks again for the magnificent annual service to the children. Stay safe.
Respectfully,
The E.I.E.I.O Committee
Doug Luthanen grew up in Ely and graduated from Memorial High School in 1967. He wrote a weekly viewpoint column for the Northwest Arkansas Times for four years and is an occasional contributor to The Ely Echo.
